I took the boys to the fair. An old timey country fair in one of the hilltowns. We went with my mom. And the boyfriend and his daughter. And the ex and his girlfriend. Yes, folks. We did.
I started a post a week ago about how hard it is. All of this. The separation, the changing schedules, the flux, the monitoring of feelings. How the older one has been a bit more sensitive than his already sensitive self, how the younger one has been a bit more angry than his spitfire self. How that hurts me. Because usually, as a parent we get to shield our kids from so many of life's bruises. And to be the partial cause of the anguish, well, it sucks. I have this pain in my chest so often now. And it is this messy amalgam of sadness, anxiety, mourning, and tenderness.
I did not finish that post because I am persevering to be positive. I am trying to be forgiving with myself. I couldn't bear to publish a post that did not have a positive bent. Not now, when everything has been so difficult- moving, new job, separation etc. I know it is important to be in the moment, to let the sadness wash over you, to feel it. I do that plenty. It is hard to do that. And yet isn't it equally challenging to find the light? So, here is the light.
We were invited to go to the fair by my boyfriend. And because the boys' dad also wanted to take the boys to the fair, I said, why not join us. And he brought his girlfriend, whom the boys love. And it was in front of the antique cars that my sweet Henry said softly that he wanted us to stay together. Instead of splitting up for an hour like I gently posed. And so we did. We shared lemonade. The dads chatted about how rickety the machines were. The mom and the gf talked about work, being in the same field. Lemonade was sipped, rides were rode, 4 horned goats were patted. It was natural. It was pretty easy, surprisingly so.