Monday, March 29, 2010

to all women

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

Many women assume that if they are not being physically abused they are not being abused.

An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.

Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim.


1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.

5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words -- What he says, goes.


* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

* He has low self-esteem.

* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.

* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.

* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.


Isolation from others - Low self-esteem - Depression - Emotional problems - Illness - Increased alcohol or drug use - Withdrawal from real life into an Internet alternative reality

Information taken from

Sunday, March 14, 2010

oh 1980s, falsettos, leather pants and Norwegian hottness

Amy is moving to the Big Apple soon. And soon after she makes the move, I will be joining her to see one of her all time favorite bands. a-ha is on it's final tour and Amy and I will see their final show. Do you remember them?

Amy has been a loyal fan all these years. For me, the band conjures up so many old memories. When I was an annoying, big glasses wearing, frizzy haired little sister, oh how I looked up to Amy. Amy, with her neat organized bedroom, her stash of Mirabelle and Elle magazines ( bought with her own money from her waitressing job), her collection of Banana Republic clothing (scored on babysitting trips with Aunt Morene and Uncle David), her white musk perfume and her music love. a-ha, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, Tears for Fears, Simply red, Corey Hart. All I had was a little white clock radio, a Sade tape and occasional access to a staticy Canadian music video channel.. But Amy had a bunch of tapes.

So Amy called me a while back and asked me to go with her, she knew that no one else would go along to see an old crusty bunch of used up guys sing 80s pop songs. (For that last sentence she is going to slap me I am sure). But seriously I am excited. And if Morten still has his chops it will be fun.

Look at that Norwegian hottie.

And for those of you who want to snicker and smugly discount the talent this vintage Norwegian pop group has, just listen to Chris Martin of Coldplay speak on how aha has inspired his own group, right before he covers"High and Low". Um, so there. That is, unless you can't stand Coldplay.

Monday, March 1, 2010


At preschool we are talking about Cozy. What it means, what it feels like. We are reading cozy books doing cozy projects eating cozy snacks etc. And today I saw the photo below, here.

For crying out loud! I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BABY. I know I couldn't handle it. I promise you, but sometimes I feel like I am one stupid Ann Geddes calendar away from wanting one. My only hope is to move back to the finger lakes and be near Rana and Jona and their new babe (still in utero) and Tina and Mark and and their little brood ( again, half of which is in utero).

Yes, the craziness is such that I have decided that if someone came to my door right now and handed me this baby or any other baby and ran off, I would ask no questions and lock the door in case they changed their minds.

Welcome March! So glad you are here.


Related Posts with Thumbnails