I had a bit of a breakdown today. It only happens once in a great while but I want to write about it. For all those mothers (with babies in and out of the womb) who may someday feel the immense guilt I am currently after an outburst.
Six years ago I had Henry and since then I feel like I haven't done anything perfectly well. I haven't finished anything I have started. I have become used to imperfection, which can be a good thing but it wears on me. It is also taken for granted that I watch the children. Matty always has something to do and instead of just taking off and doing what I need to, I always feel that I need to ask if he can watch the kids. To top it off, Ezzie has reentered the deep love phase for me and wants to be with me constantly. I was thinking about all of these things this morning after Ezra and I picked up cupcakes ( that I should have baked myself) to bring to Sara's new apt. in South Amherst. I felt guilty driving by Henry's school ('cause I should be visiting every free moment I have) but I kept going. We had a quick visit with Sara who is renting half of a gorgeous farmhouse in the rolling hills of Amherst with views of the Holyoke range. Then we headed home but I made the selfish mistake of asking Ezra if he wanted stop by the nursery and look at the flowers. Andrew's nursery is close to Sara's and it is my favorite, which is dangerous. Ezra wasn't behaving. He hates holding hands and he ran into the parking lot while I was sniffing the scented geraniums. So, I grabbed his hand and put him struggling and screaming into the car seat. He screamed all the way home, 15 minutes. It was awful. At one point I screamed back which did not help. Once in the house I yelled again, then started bawling. He fell asleep. I fell into a deep dark pit of guilt. In an effort to numb myself I turned the dumb box on and what was on the screen but a pharmaceutical ad for Abilify (a drug for bipolarism). For a few seconds I was sure that I needed that drug. Then I turned the t.v off.
I think I (like Henry) need a bit of help teaching myself to calm down. It hasn't happened in weeks maybe months, but it is awful. I just wish I had purchased some wormwood, I could use some therapeutic gardening right now!